do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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