Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
