That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
