U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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