I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
