exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
