I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
