beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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