I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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