I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
