Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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