he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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