I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
