he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
