my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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