bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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