Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
