he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
