I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i came on her dog
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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