In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
