You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
