wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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