She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
