Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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