i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
