Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
