i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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