I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
