i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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