my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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