Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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