she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
