We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
