Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
