he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
