Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I looked at my own cervix.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
