i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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