quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
