So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
