Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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