Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
