So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
