Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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