Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You did what with his pubic hair?
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