Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
