Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
