somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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