My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
