They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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