i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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