Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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