a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
