Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He keeps bees of course he's weird
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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