he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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