I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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