I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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