I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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