??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
