i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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