Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
